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Hello Maverick Part II

After confirming that our baby is happy, I somehow was not worried, I had a feeling that he was all good. I did start to overthink when the midwife mentioned the possible need for induction, meaning oxytocin drip to enhance the contractions and speeding the process. I was capable of understanding that once it hits my body the contractions won't feel the same. I was having my contractions every 4-5 minutes at this point and we needed to speed them up. When I asked if it will be more painful, she said it will be more intense. AND right here I should have reevaluated my birth plan and gone with my new circumstances. I say that now when I know how it all felt. At that point, I was so foolishly stubborn, I thought I could still do it with no medicine or pain relief.

I will take a step back and note that my own contractions, even though very painful were bearable. I have been preparing for them for 9 months, I was looking forward to them. Even though during the contraction I would have to stop walking and I could not move at all, just tried to breathe through, I knew that once the peak hit, it was going down, and from then on I was in control, until the next one. There were times that I would say, I cannot do it, but moments later I would try to get myself to a positive mindset again and tell myself (out loud, I was having a conversation with myself) I CAN do it, I got this.

My wonderful midwife, after reading my birth plan and knowing how important it was for me to at least try to give birth by myself, she gave me time to try some more. At this point, I could not tell you how long I was given, because the sense of time was gone. I only knew that we left home at around midnight and the next time my husband told me what time it was, around 6 am. But a lot more happened in between.

After a while of trying to walk through the contractions around the room and attempting to squat (since it was supposed to help the dilation) that didn't go so well because I just collapsed mid contraction and could not pick myself up, it felt like it hurt way more, so I did not try any stunts like that again...

The midwife came in and said I need to be moved to the birthing room (honestly I cannot recall the exact name of the room, but basically the room where I potentially would give birth and usually I could stay in the room I was but because of my/baby circumstances I had to move). In the room, I was told that since things are STILL not progressing for me, I needed intervention. The oxytocin drip was put on, and that is when the ''fun'' began. I was offered some mild pain relief that just made me feel drunk and high at the same time. I remember myself talking and asking the same questions over and over again. So that was no help since the contractions started to become INSANE. This was the breaking point when I was crying and started considering an epidural, which as I said was not in my plans. I keep saying my plan, my plan, but I was trusting my body so so much that I knew I could do it, and asking for an epidural meant that, well in my head my body was disappointing me. I believe for some people it might sound like, I had unrealistic expectations, to this day I don't think it was. I was always aware that there will be a lot of pain but I was never afraid of it. I just really did not want any intervention, I wanted to see my body do what it knows how to do by itself and that was unrealistic because given that baby might be distressed changed the cards. So I guess that was the first breakdown point, might not have been a big deal for many, but for me mentally it was huge.

After waiting some more, with oxytocin drip, contractions became not just unbearable but I felt like I was in some kind of scary movie. I had no control of the pain, of my head of anything. There were no breaks between the contractions, it felt like I was in horrible pain the whole time and I could do nothing about it. I was on my fours hanging on the bed and all I remember was just screaming... (again I am no trying to scare anyone) When your body is receiving oxytocin drip, it hits you differently, it is no longer your body producing oxytocin to progress the birth slowly, at the same time creating a natural pain relief to some extend. The drip means your body is being pushed against its natural rhythm, the flow of birthing and you are suddenly going from 0 to 100 in no time. The body is not ready and most importantly the mind is not either, all of a sudden I was in the middle of it all.

During this time I remember asking the midwife some questions about an epidural and one of my major fears was that since I understand that intervention might lead to more intervention because as I mentioned earlier the body's natural way is disrupted, I was fearing instrumental birth. I wanted to push my baby myself and the idea of forceps or vacuum gave me chills.

Sometime after another check on my dilation, things were STILL not progressing. After the oxytocin and all these hours of excruciating pain, still nothing. I guess this was the last straw

I interrogated my lovely midwife with a bunch of questions, till one moment I just could not take it any longer and asked to get an epidural. Once I had made up my mind I wanted it to happen there and NOW, because well simply I wanted this exorcism movie to end. She agreed that it was time and would help my muscles relax & hopefully dilate!! To be continued


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