FINAL: Hello Maverick Part III
This is the last part of my birth story I promise!
I was given an epidural, hoping for the pain to go just to learn that I could still feel everything with half of my body... Another bit of it FINALLY made it all better. Time with an epidural passed quite fast, I was tired. My husband and I were alone for a while with the lights off just resting. I could not fall asleep, I had too much going on in my head. But since I could not feel any pain I took my phone to message my mom and my friends who knew I was at the hospital. I was even making jokes to my husband at this point. Then cried a bit because it felt too strange not to feel my legs. Then laughed again.
Oh, and the shaking, epidural made my body shake uncontrollably, it was freaky, but we have been told it is a possible side effect.
Few hours & a few more check-ups later, we got the good news that I am ready and the doctor will come to see me shortly. Little did I know that he will tell me that my baby cannot fit or something with him needing help to come out... basically vacuum. Inside my heart skipped a beat because this was the one thing I was fearing. The one thing that freaked me out about giving birth. I instantly blamed the epidural (I am not sure it was the epidural's fault, just writing what was going on through my head). I blamed my body, I kept telling myself that I knew intervention would lead to more intervention. I was A. MESS.
Sadly this was the only option the baby would come out. Of course, there was always a C-section, this was definitely not in my books. I felt exhausted and disappointed, scared, and excited at the same time.
I had a few minutes to calm down, stop crying, and understand for the last time that nothing will go as I wanted it to. Then get ready to be wheeled to the theatre. YES, all the lights screaming in my face. My legs tied in these metal holders, way above my head. Creepy. Everything just creepy. When I saw it all I just tried to be calm and think that I will meet my baby soon.
The next steps were simple: I was told how to push & when to stop. Instructions were clear and I believe because of these instructions I did not need any stitches, I am very thankful for that.
After around 5-10 minutes of pushing my baby finally was out in this world. I knew that I was not going to get to hold him right away because he needed to have his airways cleaned (just in case he had something stuck up there since the poop accident inside the womb). My husband didn't get to ''catch'' the baby either, but he did cut the cord, which I was happy about. He said he doesn't remember much from that moment. Sadly, we couldn't wait till the cord was white and not pulsating.
The following part of the story is the one I had nightmares about. Seeing your baby for the first time is magical, no doubt. Here it was a bit different. I am not sure if it is because of the language barrier (given birth in Spain), or lack of communication I was not told that when my baby will be pulled/pushed out he will not be woken up (due to the need to clean the airways). This meant that the very first time I laid my eyes on him he was not moving or breathing. The doctor was just holding him still. This sight I will not forget, I thought something has gone wrong. Instantly I was screaming my lungs out if he was okay, and what is going on?
I do think that simply telling me that he was not going to be woken up at first would have saved all this stress. This first moment scared me for life. Still to this day telling the story I cannot keep my eyes dry.
Moments after Maverick was born I was still bleeding and apparently it was not ok, but I did not care about me anymore, so I don't really remember the specifics of that. All I cared about was little Mav.
Now to the happy part, ''just like that'' we had a baby. Our little Maverick was in my arms, crying with his cute voice and I honestly was lost for words. I could not comprehend that this was our baby, who was in MY BELLY all this time... I mean its a lot to take in. All I knew at this point that I wanted to hold him. Just hold him, kiss him and never let go. Truly, I cannot imagine doing all of this without my husband being by my side. Sometimes freaked out (I have not seen it but I BET), he was the greatest trying to help me with the pain and especially calming me down. Calming me during the labour but also for weeks after. I was emotional, hormonal and trying to get over my labour story. I felt so guilty of how Maverick was born, I felt constantly sad, because I could not do it no my own completely. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. Especially when I was alone, or when I would try to rest a bit and I would wake up from a nap all sweaty and crying. I am feeling better now and Maverick is 9 months old. At the same time, it was tough to manage at that time. I am grateful for my man always listening to me and holding me while I would cry it out on his shoulder.
To finish this crazy long story I want to share some things that people around, would say or do, that I found insensitive and inappropriate at times. The biggest insult I kept hearing after giving birth was: Well, the most important is the baby is healthy and safe. Of course, it is freaking is, but how about a new mom who feels disappointed, exhausted, and has a hard time even tell the full birth story without tears in her eyes. Another ignorance is people not even asking how I felt? or how I am feeling? Some of the people didn't even ask, just felt '' OH so happy with the baby'' that they ''forgot'' to ask how am I going? Especially the first 3 months when I could not have my family close (Fuck You Covid-19. But that's a different topic for another time). I know everyone is excited about the baby, and its the one thing people want to hear about and see, but hold on for a moment, if you really care just listen to the mom. It really helped me to talk and tell my story. Although it took sometime to even tell my best friends all the details, it was helpful to be listened to.
In saying this, if you are still reading I thank you for your time and interest in my story.
If you are a mom to be, just know how strong you are, if you are a mom, I am sure you already know.